I wonder

Tue, 13 Jul 2010 01:50:52 -0700

I often wonder how much my youngest children remember of their biological parents? Do they remember them at all? My son was only 3 months old when we got him and he never lived with his birth mother...is their some invisible bond that comes with the umbilical cord? And my little girl. She was a year old when I first held her...does she remember her birthmother? Does she remember her time in the womb with that person that is now a total stranger?

Truthfully, I will probably never have an exact answer. I Google things about adopted children. The Google search turns up thousands upon thousands of entries...many of which contradict each other. Some adult adoptee’s claim they always felt a connection to their birthmother. Even though they didn’t meet her until much later in life. Is it really a connection they felt? Or some greater need they had from the time they learned of their adoption? The need to be biologically “connected.” Other articles state that young children don’t remember these early days and will never “miss” this woman who gave birth to them. I just don’t know.

At six years old, Christian has never questioned me being his mom. He grew up in a house full of adopted kids. We read books about adoption and he’s heard about adoption all of his life. Last year, he was convinced he was born from my belly. His older sister was pregnant and I’m sure he just assumed that at one point he was in my “belly” just like baby Ford was in hers. I did try to explain that he grew in my heart and was the greatest gift I had ever been given but he did not come from my belly. He was having absolutely none of that and told me repeatedly that I was “joking.” I thought to myself, well he’s obviously not cognitively ready for this subject yet!

When I think harder...why would he question it? We are all he knows. He sees brown eyes like his on his daddy’s face. He says he has a big smile just like his grandma. Irrefutable proof!! While Emily may not see curly, red hair from her Daddy or myself...she sees a lot of blue eyes in the family. Most people assume that her red hair is a recessive gene and never question that either. All of these cues tend to muddy the waters.

My grandfather was adopted. It’s a very long, complicated and completely fascinating story that I will not tell today...but it ended with him finding out about his adoption the day before he married my grandmother. I don’t know how the conversation really went, but I imagine something like this: “Ummm, by the way son, you’re getting married in the morning, you’re 22 (I think), you’re fighting for our country in the Navy...by the way you’re adopted.”

WTF? I promise to never do that to either of my little guys but really I do struggle with when to tell them. I tried to be very open with Christian and just treat it like an everyday thing and he told me to quit “joking” with him. I know one day he’ll grow out of that. The struggle is, I don’t want him to ever feel like we lied to him, or tried to keep it from him. I guess I focus on him because he’s older...Emily is blissfully ignorant about such things still at four years old. I know that won’t last.

I’ve had people suggest that I should never tell them. I know that while it sounds totally appealing because it would be so easy to bury my head in the sand and make up a birth story...it’s also so hugely deceptive that I could never do it. I don’t know that I ever want either of them to meet their birthmother’s, due to the circumstances of their births, but I know I couldn’t keep it completely from them. Sometimes I long for the days of not speaking of such things publicly, wishing for the hush hush-ness of years gone by...but I guess one day a moment will present itself and the kids and I will have a talk about how their Dad and I chose to be their parents and about how blessed we feel that they were placed with us...and we will all live happily ever after? I hope. But, I still wonder.

Renewal

Sun, 11 Jul 2010 00:49:30 -0700

Anyone who reads me knows I am a HUGE sucker for reality TV. I love the Real Housewives from everywhere except Atlanta (don’t know why...just don’t). I was watching a marathon of RHONYC the other day and was cracking up at Ramona and her season of “renewal.” She cut her hair (like Cameron Diaz. Ha!). She was being a kinder, gentler Ramona and she renewed her wedding vows. But, holy balls, did she run it into the ground with all this renewal, renewal, renewal.

I’ve been thinking (scary I know) and renewal is not a bad thing at all. In fact, it’s a very good idea to take a look at where you’ve been and where you’d like to be emotionally, physically, etc. For my renewal, I decided to piggy back off Ramona a little...my hair is already short, so I won’t cut it, but will NEVER attempt to grow it long again. There are many reasons for this. In my humble opinion, people who are larger (read: FAT) do not look good with long hair, if said hair is fine and graying. My sister in law looks fantastic with long hair...she is the size of a toothpick. A toothpick with boobs but you know what I’m saying! Second, in embracing renewal, I fully admit to being OCD, anal and pretty control freak-ish. This is not easy to admit. Most OCD and control freak-ish people tend to think they are laid back. At least I did. I know I’m completely delusional!! I’m embracing that I like to be in charge of myself and typically those around me. Okay, I will even admit that I don’t like it when Emily puts the doll house toilet in the doll house kitchen. I know I’m troubled. Someday, I’ll make therapy a priority.

I’m sure there should be more renewal-ish things but it’s 1:05am and my mind is on overload and I came up with this idea in the shower and I’ve been out of the shower for too long now. Someone needs to invent a waterproof laptop so all my blogging ideas come out way better than this.

the mane of curly red hair

Wed, 2 Jun 2010 23:50:34 -0700

It seems that everywhere I go, if Emily is with me, I get stopped due to her hair. As you can see she has some serious curls in a nice shade of red. And yes those curls are all over her head and are tight! When her hair is wet it is down below her shoulders.

Anyway, every place we go, the comments abound. Things like: “What a head of hair, “ or “Look at those curls, “ even “Hey, it’s Annie!” If those people only knew the similarities between Annie and Emily...red hair, fiery personality and adopted.

My hope is that she will love her hair as she grows older. I don’t think I can bear to have her want to color it, or straighten it. Maybe I should videotape the compliments now to play back during the teenage years.

He came home minus two

Wed, 2 Jun 2010 23:29:44 -0700

So C-man went to school a few weeks ago with a full mouth of teeth. When he came home, he had his hands behind his back claiming to have a surprise for me. I knew the teeth were slightly loose. I didn’t think they were ready to come out yet (this could be because I get skeeved out by loose teeth). So when he pulled his hand from behind his back with a baggie bouncing with two bottom teeth, I was actually surprised.

I asked my little man how he did it and he said, “Mommy, I just pull them out and they bleed all down my shirt.” I looked at his shirt and indeed there was blood everywhere. We talked at length about the Tooth Fairy and how she wouldn’t come until he was asleep with his teeth under his pillow. He couldn’t wait!!

The problem was I had no idea what the Tooth Fairy’s going rate was!?! It had to be more than the quarter I used to get. Was it a dollar? I just didn’t know. He definitely wasn’t going to be on MTV’s Tooth Fairy to the Stars so it wasn’t going to be more than a dollar per tooth. In the end, there were two dollar bills under his pillow that ended up in his piggy bank.

Since then, I’ve noticed him wiggly teeth in hopes of making them loose. Hmmmm?!?

Oh wait...i don’t have any pictures

Mon, 17 May 2010 20:36:06 -0700

So...Christian went with Indian Guides* to surf camp this weekend. I would love to be able to include fabulous photographs of my boy standing up on a board for the first time. Or even one of the first three times!!! But alas, the dude (STEVE) who should have had the camera trained on my brown eyed boy while he caught his first waves...ummmmmm...left it at the CAR!!!

I was FRUSTRATED to say the least. One, because I wasn’t there so I didn’t even see it with my own eyes and now, two, there are no pictures. If i think hard enough, I can picture my skinny little guy, in his wetsuit, standing up on the board...my imagination has him stemming (fingers wiggling in front of his mouth) while he tries to maintain his balance. I can picture a smile exploding on his face after his first ride.

The one thing that this weekend definitely solved for me...I now know what to get the little man for his 7th birthday. Surfboard!!!

*I still call it Indian Guides but it’s called something else now because it was deemed offensive to Native Americans. Ummmm, hello, they were honoring their traditions, etc. so I don’t get it, but, oh well.

Emily’s first trip to the magic kingdom

Tue, 27 Apr 2010 08:21:11 -0700

On Sunday, Emily and I headed to Disneyland with Grandma, Uncle Travis, Aunt Ann, cousins TJ and Ava. The cousins were here from Arizona for this special trip to see Mickey. Emily had an amazing time!!! It was like seeing Disneyland for the first time again, for me, while watching Emily, Ava and TJ experience it all. They loved all of the rides, even the fast ones!! For some reason, Emily started crying on Dumbo...I still don’t know why.

I can’t wait to take Christian to Disneyland...it will be his first trip as well.

*pictures are on the album page

Not a soccer mom

Wed, 7 Apr 2010 23:36:13 -0700

Living in South Orange County generally seems to lend oneself to becoming a soccer mom. I mean, really, it makes sense...the sun is typically shining, it’s outdoors, limited amount of equipment required and you can work on your tan while you watch your little munchkin play. Win-win all the way around. I think the same goes for Baseball/Softball...a little bit more equipment required but still a sport that allows you to be outdoors in the sun, working on your tan.

I tried to be a soccer mom. Christian played in a YMCA rookie league when he was 4 years old. I spent most of my time dragging him off of the nearby slope where he preferred to play or disciplining him for knocking over his teammates, the other team, basically anyone who got in the way of him getting the ball. It was nerve wracking and ulcer inducing. I considered trying to pretend he wasn’t my kid but everyone knew...the miniature UFC fighter was my boy.

We tried t-ball. He was a little less aggressive BUT still spent a lot of time running around the infield trying to steal the ball from his team. I spent a lot of time hiding my head.

With all of this information, Steve and I figured that our little man was definitely meant for a different sport. Our friends, Brett and Kellie, are hockey enthusiasts and kept suggesting hockey. Finally, in what I thought was an effort just to hush them up, I looked into it and found a program nearby. At this point, Christian had never been on skates or even roller blades and I was not really confident that he would enjoy falling down constantly in the cold. Man was I wrong.

First, hockey is a different sort of animal. You are indoors. It is COLD (duh). It takes 30 min to get your kid dressed in all of his pads, gloves, helmet, skates, etc. You haul a bag that (yeah for wheels) could be a suitcase for 5 people on a cross country trip. There’s no outside. In the middle of Summer you’re packing sweatshirts and gloves for yourself and your other kids. And it’s expensive.

Christian started with skating classes geared towards hockey. He spent most of his first session falling on his rear end (heavily padded rear end). But I noticed something...every time he fell, he got right back up. He was typically smiling and laughing while he fell and while he got up. He never cried that it hurt or that he wanted to stop. I just hoped that he would find a way to stay on his feet.

When he started Termite league, we decided to invest our ER deductible into private lessons once a week to help him with his skating (wasn’t going to be me!). The first time he knocked someone over I cringed. I was waiting for a parent to stare me down and tell me to control my kid. It didn’t happen. A sport where my highly competitive, aggressive child was encouraged to be HIMSELF...I was in heaven!!! We are now almost three sessions in and I couldn’t be more pleased with the investment we’ve made. He has improved immensely. While I still envy soccer moms who spend their sports time outdoors, while I shiver inside, I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Plus, Christian is a good first name for a professional hockey player, no? Very nordic!

Emily’s birthday

Mon, 5 Apr 2010 20:37:48 -0700

I’m a little late with the birthday post for our dear, sweet red head!! Her birthday was March 29th and her party took place on the 27th...what a fantastic time she had! We don’t usually “go big” for birthdays in the Notch house. No real reason...just never have done birthday’s that way.

Well Emmie was turning 4 and had never had a real party before...so we went a little big. She had the Princess Castle jump house, bubbles everywhere, heart shaped peanut butter and jellies, humongous cupcakes, lots of friends, balloons and streamers! It was a ladybug theme so the guests received buckets full of treats and everyone planted their own flower in a handpainted ladybug pot. I am so thankful to all of our friends and family for joining us in celebrating Emily. It amazes me to think of how far she has come since we have had her (3 years).

In case you aren’t familiar with her story...here are the bullet points:

*We got her on a Friday night, the day after her first birthday. She had been presented to a prospective adoptive family and they decided not to adopt her (there are many days I would love to find that family and thank them for the best gift Steve and I have ever been given). We were on the list (maybe not next on the list) and it was a Friday and they didn’t want to send her to Orangewood. We weren’t ready but after a speed shopping trip she came home to us that night.

*Emily has ataxic cerebral palsy. Which meant at a year old she had just started sitting up. At two and a half she began to walk. At four she is still a bit unsteady but is soooooo much better.

*She was described as having a “delightful disposition.” She does...a little more sassy now than she used to be but we keep saying that her stubborn streak will serve her well.

*She is thriving according to her teachers and therapists!

I’ve included some pictures below...

A day in the life

Tue, 23 Feb 2010 23:53:36 -0800

*Because I am a big copycatter (is that a word?), I am writing a day in my life. Over at Death, Destruction and Mayhem (http://travlarson.blogspot.com) my brother and sister in law have done the same thing. Basically, I’m just following in family tradition.

6:30am: The alarm goes off on my side of the bed and I immediately hit snooze. Sometime during that 10 minute snooze Steve’s alarm on his phone goes off and he immediately shuts it off. He looks at his phone, checking incredibly urgent email he has been sent overnight (Not). Typically, at this point, he will announce it is morning by farting so loudly that the bed shakes. My sister in law spoke of cuddling...yeah, after the farting there is no cuddling. I’m still groggy though still somewhere between sleep and awake.

6:40am: Alarm sounds again, Steve is typically out of bed and downstairs getting his coffee and using his office bathroom to do his “business.” (You are welcome!) I hit snooze again if Emily and Christian haven’t come in my room.

6:50am: Alarm again. I can no longer put it off. I stagger out of bed, grab my glasses and see where the rugrats are. I grab the clothes I set out the night before for both kids and coax them into my room. Emily will announce that she will get dressed “all myself.” Christian, no such luck. I chase, I threaten, I bribe, I beg for him to just take his pjs off and come put his clothes on. He makes loud beeping noises and runs around my room (sometimes naked) laughing.

7:05am: Steve is usually back upstairs. He takes over getting Christian dressed while saying that he’s going to learn how to behave or else (I still don’t know what the or else is). I do Emily’s hair and get her to brush her teeth (all herself) and we settle in front of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

7:15am: Steve is still getting clothes on Christian, brushing his teeth (for him because Christian “can’t want to”) and doing his hair. They head downstairs for breakfast and the walk to school (Yes, I am lucky that typically Steve walks Christian to school everyday, except Wednesdays, when I volunteer in his class so I take him).

7:30am: I get Emily some breakfast. Usually berries, yogurt, applesauce or PB & J.

*At some point during this Jaymee wakes up and I change her diaper and give her a bottle. Whatever I haven’t done I complete with her on my hip, one handed.

7:55am: Steve is back and he, Emily, Jaymee and I watch Shaun the Sheep (we’re dorks).

8:00am: Steve officially heads into his office, if he doesn’t have appointments outside of the house, and begins his workday. Emily, Jaymee and I watch Special Agent Oso for a few minutes until her bus comes.

8:15am: Em’s bus comes and we load her up. Say our goodbyes and I love yous.

8:20am: Jaymee and I eat breakfast. Sometimes she’ll eat some runny oatmeal...she’s not a huge fan yet. Then we head upstairs to pick up the aftermath of the mornings activities. I pick up Emily’s room (She gets up about 6:00am and plays quietly in her room until we come get her to get dressed) and make her bed. I head to Christian’s room and pick up the remnants of his midnight snack, make his bed, pick up the pjs he’s strewn on the floor and put anything else away that isn’t where it should be. I do the same thing in the master bedroom and bath, collecting laundry as I go (sometimes I clean the bathroom...you never know).

9:00am: Steve usually showers and I throw in a load of laundry. I give Jaymee another bottle and if she is yawning I lay her down for her first nap of the day. While she naps, I try to as well. She doesn’t sleep through the night and therefore I don’t.

10:00am: Jaymee wakes up and I get her dressed and give her another bottle. We go bug Steve in his office to see what’s on his agenda for the day. Sometimes I will be motivated and clean the refrigerator or pantry but mostly I come up with lists of things we need to do, groceries we need to get or projects I want Steve to do. Jaymee and I play who can make the funniest face, how big is baby and she jumps in her jumparoo.

10:40am: I remember the laundry and go throw it in the dryer. Another load usually makes it in the washer. Typically, I check email and my computer calendar (most accurate) and see what the kids have planned for the day.

11:00am: I make any phone calls I need to make to various doctors, pharmacists, therapists, hockey coaches, school secretaries, etc.

11:15am: I realize I have to pick up Christian in 15 minutes and throw on make up and clothes and thank god I shower at night.

11:30am: Put Jaymee in her carrier, snap it in the carseat and head to the elementary school. Wait outside Christian’s class where people ooh and aah over Jaymee and we play pass the baby.

11:45am: Christian gets out of class, gathers his back pack after I remind him 17 times. We walk in a large herd to the parking lot where various mom’s get all their ducklings into their cars. Christian asks if we are going home (everyday!). Usually, the answer is yes.

12:05pm: We return home. Christian dumps his stuff on the kitchen table and immediately begins his search for his DS. I get Jaymee inside. Tell Christian to unload his stuff 47 times before he does it and convince him that it is time for lunch. He eats one of his four foods that he will deem worthy of eating and retreats to his room to play. Steve usually wanders out of his office for lunch. We talk over lunch and he plays the funny faces game with Jaymee...he usually wins.

12:30pm: Steve waits for Emily’s bus. Jaymee usually takes a nasty poop and I clean it up before giving her another bottle and laying her down for nap number 2.

12:45pm: Feed Emily. Look through her backpack. Enjoy hugs, kisses and stories of her day. She asks to “watch.” I turn on Nick Jr. while I take the clothes from the dryer. I put the clothes from the washer in the dryer and then fold the clothes and put them away. Emily and I watch Max and Ruby or Wow, Wow, Wubbzy or whatever crazy show is on. I suggest a nap and with an evil eye she tells me No. A tickle war erupts.

1:00pm: Steve hears the laughing and usually comes up to play hide and seek with Em’s. Typically she will then feed me food from her kitchen or bring her babies out to play. I start to think about dinner.

1:30pm: Check in with Christian where he tells me he is just fine.

1:45 - 3:30pm More of playing with Emily, checking in with Christian, bugging Steve and Jaymee wakes up and gets another bottle.

3:30pm: I attempt to lay out the next days school clothes and put the nights pjs in the bathroom. I pick up the kids’ rooms again (I know I’m anal).

4:00pm: Laundry in dryer. Head downstairs. Pack snacks for school the next day and discuss dinner with Steve. Chaos begins because Emily needed a nap but wouldn’t take one, Christian’s meds start to wear off, Jaymee only wants to be held not put down.

4:30pm: Unload dishwasher and pick up any downstairs mess. Start dinner. Break up fights, calm Emily (hot mess) down at least 6 times and try to entertain Jaymee in her highchair. Steve is mysteriously absent from all this fun.

5:30pm: Call the troops to dinner where Christian states that he’s not hungry and can’t want what I made. His future playing video games is called into question until he eats. Emily eats or cries depending on her mood. Steve and I look at each other wondering who will lose it first tonight.

6:00pm: Kitchen clean up while the kids watch Olivia then upstairs for baths. I bathe Jaymee while the other two hit the showers with Steve supervising. Usually, Christian ends up running around the upstairs naked, laughing and making shooting noises.

7:00pm: Emily and Jaymee (after a bottle) in bed. Christian starts homework and I lose my mind. I’ve tried other times and this one just works best. We try to finish up by 7:30pm so he can watch something short before bed.

7:30pm: If homework is done, Christian goes to bed with a short movie. After it’s over he inevitably says he’s hungry and that he can’t go to sleep without food in his belly. One of us makes him a sandwich and tucks him in again.

8:30-10:30pm: Sometime during these hours Christian goes to sleep (arrrggghhhh). I fold and finish putting away laundry. Talk to Steve. Shower. Jaymee wakes up , change her diaper, feed her and hope she goes straight back to bed. Watch shows on the DVR. Steve drinks wine.

10:30pm: Steve usually goes to bed. I end up watching TV, reading a book or blogging. Or I just stare at the ceiling in the dark.

11:30pm - 6:30am: Jaymee wakes up about every 3 hours on a good night. I change diapers, feed her, rock her and pray for the day that she sleeps through the night.

And it all begins all over again....

Letter to my grandson

Thu, 18 Feb 2010 19:50:58 -0800

Dear Ford,

Today was your day little man. Your Mom called me early this morning to let me know she was in labor and not too long after that you were here. I’m sure it probably seemed a bit longer to her. Your Dad called me a few times and texted me while you were making your way into this world...they were both so excited and full of anticipation at your arrival. Your Grandma even delivered you!! How amazing is that??

I was so proud of your Mom. She had you naturally. Someday, she may use this against you when you track mud across her clean floors, or bring home too many dirty tadpoles, or even get grease all over the walls. It’s okay, all you’ll have to do is flash her a smile and she’ll melt to pieces. She said that she couldn’t believe how much she loved you already. I knew what she meant. How do you love someone so much that you just met? I fell in love with your face through a picture. It’s the one above of you sleeping. You look so peaceful.

I’ve been told that you nursed like a natural. I hope everything else in life comes to you just as easily. You are mellow like your parents; content to be held on your Daddy’s chest and just hang out. You should know that your parents are completely smitten. I can hear the love in their voices when they talk about you little man.

You are my first grandson. That gives you a special place in my heart right from the start. But, that little button nose, strawberry blond hair and strong chin are just the outside of the amazing boy I know you will become. You are surrounded by people who love you...parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins...dear boy you are loved more than you will ever know.

I haven’t met you yet but can’t wait to see “the things we’ve handed down.” Tell your Mom to play that song for you someday. It’s what I sang in my head while your Mom was in labor. You have two amazing parents, Ford, and they are very lucky to have you!

Much love,

Your Grandma

PS Remember whenever your parents say NO...dial 1-800-GRA-NDMA.