the greatest man i ever knew

Sun, 31 Jan 2010 09:14:40 -0800

I’m not really sure how to begin...last night my grandfather passed away. While I am relieved that he is not suffering in a nursing home or in anymore pain, my heart is still breaking. How do you let go of someone who meant so much? At this moment it’s still very surreal. Once I go back to his house and find his favorite chair empty, it will become more real. He won’t be there with his smile and the wave of his hand greeting me. He won’t be there to crack a joke or thank me for visiting. What he will be is forever in my heart.

Honestly, I wish everyone could have known this man. The man that never raised his voice. I never saw him angry. Really, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking back over my 38 years and there is not one single memory of him being angry or yelling. He was always quick with a smile or a hug. The epitome of class, elegance and grace. To his last days, he dressed in his khaki pants and perfectly pressed plaid shirt. One thing he always was well dressed!! He spent over 40 years working in the men’s clothing business. He spent time as a model in his younger years, the pictures I have from that time are priceless. Most of his time was spent working at Fashion Island...first for Phelps Meager then for Gary’s and Company. He worked his way up to Vice President of Gary’s. I remember how often I would see him at the store, greeting customers with his winning smile and helping them with his impeccable taste. The tears are starting to well up just thinking of him...I can’t think of anyone who disliked my grandfather. He was well liked by those he worked with and dearly loved by his family and adored by his wife.

We lost grandma a few years ago and I know that my grandfather was a bit lost without her. She was his constant companion. He truly lived for “his girls.” My grandmother, my mom and my aunt were the focus of his world. The stories my mom would tell about the little gifts he would leave them lined up in their bathroom or bedrooms, after they returned from a trip truly make me smile. He was fastidious. I’m certain that I get my need for organization and lists and for all things to be in their place from him. Today, it comforts me to know that I have that from him. I hope there is more inside of me from him. He led such an amazingly interesting life. Sitting and listening to him tell stories from his childhood and then from his days in World War II were some of my favorite times with him. He was such a colorful storyteller that you really could picture it all as he told it.

I understand that dying is a part of life...and in no way did I want him to live his life the way it had been. But, there’s a hole in my heart today because James Weller Anderton is no longer living on this Earth. I am sad that my children will not know him better. I can only hope to instill in them all the things that he was. I feel grateful to have had him in my life as long as I did. No one could have had a better example of how to love and simply how to be...calm, patient, quick to smile and laugh, and very humble. Grandpa, I love you more than words can ever say. I will think of you often. I’m glad that you are with grandma now...hopefully dancing to some big band music. Let her know how much we’ve missed her...you will be missed as well. You were the greatest man I ever knew. I hope that you knew that.

Reflecting

Sun, 24 Jan 2010 19:52:15 -0800

My grandfather fell the other day. It landed him in the hospital where they discovered a high white count and his behavior was off. A few days later, now it looks like he won’t recover from this fall and infection. My mind has been reeling at the thought of him being gone.

First and foremost, I wish he would feel no more pain. My prayers would be answered if he just went to sleep and left this Earth as peacefully as he inhabited it. I know that he is done here. He misses my grandmother, who was his world, and his quality of life is just not the life he wants. He can’t hear to allow us to soothe him with our voices. We can’t touch him because his skin is so fragile it has been bruising and tearing upon being touched.

I know how lucky I am to have a grandfather like him. Calm, patient and the epitome of class. I hope he knows it’s okay to let go, we’ll all be okay.

Kindle vs. actual books

Mon, 11 Jan 2010 15:21:51 -0800

I have really been on the fence about the Kindle from Amazon for quite some time now. The gadget nerd in me thinks it’s all kinds of awesome. Plus, it also satisfies the anal retentive neat freak within me that fears I may show up on Hoarders one day surrounded by piles of books (shut up, Steve).

BUT...

There is something so satisfying about the weight of a book, the crisp pages waiting to be turned, the smell of the ink, etc. I just don’t ever think I could get the same feeling from a piece of plastic (or whatever a Kindle is made of). And there are those of us who are like Harry Burns (When Harry met Sally, for those who got confused), who turn to the last page first to read the ending. I would never do that...ummm, well not very often anyway. I don’t want to have to wait for a page to download on a screen...I need the instant gratification of flipping to the end instantaneously.

I do understand the idea of saving trees and the advantages of having a small device to carry around from which to read as opposed to the bulk that comes with some books...but I think, for me, there will never be an experience quite like settling down with a new book and opening the cover, inhaling, and beginning to read.

As my very old bookmark says: A book is a present you open over and over again.

I was fine...

Sun, 10 Jan 2010 23:18:57 -0800

I was fine. Sitting on my bedroom floor, watching bits and pieces of Iron Chef and surfing the internet...I was fine. A second passed and I wasn’t fine anymore. My chest seized and the next thing I knew my heart was racing. Immediately, I was on my feet, quickly heading to the bathroom for a pill that would bring relief. Heart beating even faster, swallowing becoming more difficult. The impending doom surrounding me as it has so many times before. Unfortunately, it all feels new. Like it’s the first time all over again. My logical mind starts ticking off all the reasons why I cannot be dying, while my sympathetic nervous system gives me every reason to believe I am. Like a dog chasing it’s tail, I go through the cycle again. I grab the paper bag, one of the many I have stashed throughout the house, and put it over my nose and mouth and breathe into it. Watching the bag fill with air helps me believe that air is going in and out even though it feels like it isn’t. I look at my nails and note that they are normal in color...no change in blood flow. Once again, logically I know I’m okay. Distraction, please, just find a distraction, something to stop the hyperventilating, to stop the focus on the feeling of it all. The phone rings...Alison. God bless her and her ability to just chat...chat endlessly. Easily distracting me from the grips of my panic attack. Thirty minutes into our chat she asks if I’m okay, has the panic attack stopped, do I still need my paper bag? No. No, Al, you’ve saved me from myself tonight. You pulled me out of it’s grips. You brought me back to where I needed to be. Thank you for calling when you did. It’s like you knew, though I know you didn’t. You’ve been at the right place at the right time for so many things in my life. I forget to thank you. Thank you, Alison. Thank you. You are loved.

Today you are twenty

Tue, 5 Jan 2010 13:42:21 -0800

Twenty. Where did the time go? I can still see you at twelve years old sitting next to the couch, quietly. Yes, I said quietly. Here are 20 things I love about you:

1. I love the way your name, Alison Shea, flows off my tongue as if it was meant to be long before it actually was.
2. I love your laugh.
3. I love the way your nails and toes are always painted.
4. I love that you starve yourself all Thanksgiving day in preparation for your favorite turkey dinner.
5. I love that you love Christmas as much as I do.
6. I love that you don’t like things too matchy (just like your mom).
7. I love that when I accidentally call Deena your mom, you correct me.
8. I love that you love movies as much as I do.
9. I love that even though you didn’t grow in my womb, you have grown immensely in my heart.
10. I love that you love country music.
11. I love that you love your family fiercely, just like your great grandma Anderton.
12. I love that you made a wedding beautiful in 20 days.
13. I love that you drove 22 hours, while pregnant, to spend Christmas with your family.
14. I love that you love books and read constantly.
15. I love that you still look at things with a childish innocence...don’t ever lose that.
16. I love that you have overcome so much but never use it as a crutch.
17. I love that you are goofy and clumsy.
18. I love the way that you love Christian and Emily...best big sister ever!
19. I love the way you make a grilled cheese sandwich (especially after experiences with plastic wrap and ovens).
20. I love that you are my daughter. I chose you and you chose me. We are alike in so many ways that I know we were brought together for a reason.

Happy 20th Birthday my darling daughter. You make me a very proud Mom. I love you more than you will ever know!!

Legoland

Mon, 4 Jan 2010 21:57:53 -0800

During the holiday vacation, we decided at the last minute to take Ben and Alison to Legoland, aka Christian’s heaven on Earth. It’s a great place for the under 10 scene. Most of the rides are mild enough for even Emily to ride (well her size to ride, she fears nothing so far). This was one of my favorite pictures from the day...Ben and Emily giving a high five on the planes. Ben is Emily’s new favorite person. Since they’ve gone, all I hear all day is, “Where Ben?”

Another perk during our visit to Legoland was having lots of time to chat with Alison. Being pregnant, she couldn’t go on the rides...I was taking care of granddaughter Jaymee, so I stayed off as well (Steve, Ben, Christian and Emily were the perfect foursome). I miss the long talks we used to have in the kitchen and in front of the TV. Alison was the kid that could always make me laugh even when I didn’t want to...she still has this magical touch. It was great to see her with her siblings and see that she loves them just as insanely as she did when we all lived together.

I added some of the better pics from the day below as well...

missing texas...i know, seriously, did i just say that???

Mon, 4 Jan 2010 19:55:38 -0800

One of the reasons I miss Texas is because of the person on the right in this picture...yeah, the guy with the hat. That guy, Ben, is married to my daughter, Alison. Alison and Ben were here for the holidays and now that they have gone back to Texas, I find myself missing places and things we talked about while they were here.

I miss watching the sunset across a clear Texas sky. I miss lightning storms and how the brilliant bolts would touch ground in groups of two and three. The thunder that accompanied the lightning was also pretty awesome. The smell of the air the day after one of these storms still lingers with me. Seasons were fun too...I loved the cold and occasional snow and even the pouring rain. I will never forget the night I reveled in having windows open while gale force winds blew chilly air through the master bedroom, much to Steve’s chagrin.

I miss the homecoming parade at the local high school (the only high school in the city of 5,000). The entire town lined the streets of the parade as high school students on home-made floats threw candy to the kids. Everyone was there...and I mean everyone. Also, the tree lighting ceremony at Christmastime behind city hall was a big community event. People shared hot cocoa, kids took train rides and it ended with everyone singing Christmas carols around the town tree. Quaint, if I do say so myself.

Halloween was also special. In a small town everyone knows everyone, even if they just know that you’re the folks that moved in from California. Most houses left candy out in bowls because EVERYONE was walking the streets with their kids. Parents had impromptu meetings in yards while kids trick or treated up the cul de sacs. Amazing and fun. I never once worried about the area we were in...it always felt incredibly safe.

When the kids said they were going to the mall...you didn’t have to ask, “Which one?,” there was only one unless they were heading into Dallas. Fast food places were closed on Sundays. People said Hi to each other and waved on the streets. Speaking of streets...most were preceded with FM and followed by numbers. Again quaint. Farm to Market roads were the norm. Getting stuck behind tractors was also normal, as were cows across the street from the elementary school. Keeping up with the Joneses was not even on the radar because the Joneses were just like you.

But, what I miss most about Texas is that it is where my daughter lives with her husband. Seeing him in California made me realize that he’s a Texas guy...he was born there and he’ll die there (not anytime soon!). I miss that I will miss so many of their firsts as a married couple. I will most likely miss the birth of their first child, my grandson. I will miss their first holidays and the building of their family traditions.

Maybe I miss it because Texas didn’t really get a fair shake from us. So many variables tainted my experiences in Texas. With those variables no longer an issue, I wonder how it would have been different. All those pro and con lists we made, would they hold true with just the four of us. Probably.

I remember, as a kid, I used to joke about having a family compound and having us all live in houses on a big piece of land. Maybe that is something I can strive for in the future. Maybe one day, Alison and Ben and their children, and Christian, Emily and their families will all live close by Steve and I. Unrealistic, maybe. But a girl can dream can’t she??

How you doin??

Sat, 19 Dec 2009 15:18:58 -0800

I’m not really sure why this picture makes me laugh as hard as it does. I was downloading a bazillion million pictures (exaggerate much?) from my camera to my computer and I saw this one flash by as it was put into iPhoto and I just started cracking up. First, where in the world has that little baby face gone too?? I can just picture him as a teenager while looking at this photo...taken while we were in line to see Santa no less! Second, I have no idea what he was doing with his mouth but I know it wasn’t swollen for any reason. Lastly, I put the entire picture below because it just oozes the body language of Joey Tribiani from Friends. Ladies, how you doin??

My Grown-Up Christmas List

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 19:53:57 -0800

I could be cliche and wish for world peace...which, of course, would be wonderful. Realistic? Who knows. I could be materialistic and wish for a new car, but the one I have is really just fine. If I’m honest, there is really nothing tangible that I want.

I’d love PEACE but not the kind that is enough for the whole world. Peace that wraps itself around my family and finds a way to heal old wounds and makes their scars disappear. The kind of peace that reminds you that life on this Earth is fleeting and you only get one chance to live it to the fullest.

I’d love to see my grandson make his entrance into this world. I’d love to hold his Momma’s hand while she pushes him out of her womb (I’m sure she is super grateful for the reminder that she will have to push that baby out soon!). I’d love to see the looks on my daughter and her husband’s face as they witness the birth of their baby boy.

I’d like to figure out what is best for my family. Figure out what will make them thrive. Figure out how to do this when the adults hold diametrically different ideas.

In the end I want what we all want...the health and happiness of those around me. Santa, wrap that up and put it under the tree please! I’ll leave double the cookies this year.

Now introducing: My brother

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 19:43:47 -0800

Everyone has a blog these days...including my brother! Personally, I think my brother is hysterical and his perspective on things usually makes me laugh. I’ll let you all come to your own conclusions, after the following disclaimer: though I am related to him, his opinions are definitely not mine (especially if you find them offensive, then I swear I never even met him before) and his way of wording things is unique to him and him alone. But seriously, most anyone who reads my blog knows Travis already and knows exactly what to expect!! Enjoy!

Death, Destruction and Mayhem
http://travlarson.blogspot.com/?zx=75026ac8fcfd5830